Chris comes to your room sometimes. It's two in the morning and you're half asleep when he asks you if he can stay the night.

You can never bring yourself to say no.

He crawls into bed with you and wraps his arms around you before falling asleep, like it's the easiest thing in the world.

You turn and breathe in his scent, and you automatically recognize the cologne on him. It's not his. And once again you know that tonight wont be any different from any of the other nights.

And come morning, Chris will always go back to Justin.

You try and remember when things got so complicated. It hadn't always been like this, had it?

Hadn't there been times when you could just have fun with Chris and not have to worry about anything else?

If there were times like that, you don't remember them now.

All you remember is Chris sitting with Justin, then two of them talking and laughing quietly together, as if they had some big secret the rest of the world couldn't know. You remember the photo shoots, and watching Chris' wandering hand move down to Justin's ass, and you couldn't figure out why.

You remember watching from the shadows as they kissed, frozen in place because your heart didn't want to believe what your eyes were seeing.

You remember watching every loving gaze they shared. Every secretive smile. Every touch.

You remember how much it killed you every time.

And you remember when Chris started coming to you some nights. After he and Justin would fight.

He needed you. How could you tell him to leave? And you knew that you couldn’t resist him. You knew.

So he would crawl in next to you and snuggle up against you and you found it hard to breathe sometimes, he was so close.

In the mornings, he would thank you for being such a great pal before going back to Justin.

He always went back to Justin.

And you wished that just once, he’d stay longer than a night. That maybe he’d decide he wanted to stay forever.

You find yourself staying up at night, waiting for him. You’ll watch the clock as the hours go by, hoping that with every tick, he’ll walk through the door and crawl into your bed.

And you always tell yourself that when he does, you’ll tell him. Tell him he doesn’t need Justin. Justin can’t make him truly happy. Justin can’t and doesn’t love him like you do.

You can feel the words rise up in your throat, but something always stops you. All that comes out is a small, choked sound. Because in reality, you know deep down that you’ll never tell him the truth.

All you will ever have are these nights.

One night Chris comes to you, and the smell of Justin’s cologne isn’t detectable over the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

As he stumbles over to your bed drunkenly, he tells you the story. He fought with Justin. He thinks maybe they broke up.

He doesn’t know.

He just needs someone.

And always, you are that someone.

So you open your arms and he settles into them. You wait for him to fall asleep, but somehow… this night is different. You can feel it. He wants something.

And when he turns in your arms and presses his lips to yours, you know it’s wrong and every fiber of your being is telling you stop, but every part of your body is telling you it’s right. And your heart rules over your mind, because you’re finally getting what you want. What you dream about.

Tonight, your door is not the only thing you open for Chris.

He’s gone in the morning. By that afternoon, he’s made up with Justin.

You smile and pretend it doesn’t matter to you, even though you feel like maybe you finally know what it’s like to have a broken heart.

You make love whenever they fight.

They fight often, so a lot of nights, you find Chris in your bed. In your arms. And every time, it gets harder to let him go.

You think now you can tell him. Things aren’t the same. Maybe you can tell him how you feel and he’ll leave Justin and he’ll stay in your arms every night.

But then you see him around Justin, and you watch the way they look at each other. And you know that Chris has never looked at you like that.

And it occurs to you that he probably never will.

You still let him into your room at night. You still wake up in the morning to an empty bed. You know that you need to stop, but it’s like an addiction.

You can’t get enough.

He comes into your room one afternoon, and you know, something is different. He has a look about him. An almost… glow.

He tells you that he and Justin have decided they want something more serious. More permanent. He says they’re going to commit to each other, for good. You figure he means marriage, or at least something close to it.

Or maybe he’s just telling you that the nights that you’ve come to cherish so much have to end.

For a while, you sit there. You’re not quite sure what to say. There are so many things you know you should. You should tell him you love him. That he doesn’t need Justin. He needs you.

You want to ask him what those nights meant to him. Because they meant the world to you.

You want to kiss his lips and feel his skin touching yours, his body above you, inside of you, all around you.

You want so many things.

So many things you know you can never have.

And you’ve always known this.

So you smile sadly and tell Chris that you couldn't be more happy for him.

And as you watch him leave, you know, in your heart, that your door will always stay open.

For him.