You promised commitment to each other. Something real. Something permanent. Yet you still found yourself waking up next to Joey.

You can’t stop fighting with Justin. It’s like a cycle you can’t break. You love Justin, more than anything. You can’t stand to not be with him. Yet you can’t seem to keep your temper in check when he acts like the 21 year old he is sometimes. You fight. And afterwards, you always go to Joey.

Joey is your comfort object. You go to Joey and suddenly things are ok. You don’t have to spend the night worrying about another stupid fight with Justin. Instead, you can spend it in the arms of your best friend.

You think that maybe the sex is just some kind of bonus.

You thought, maybe even hoped, that it would end. That Joey wouldn’t become some permanent thing. You don’t exactly feel right, cheating on Justin with Joey all the time. Fighting or not, Justin is your boyfriend. Justin is the man you love. Joey… Joey is convenient.

When you and Justin fight, you try really hard to resist the urge to fall into Joey’s bed, into his arms, into his depths. You obviously aren’t very good at trying really hard. Sometimes, you wonder what Joey thinks about it. Why Joey lets you into his bed, into his body. Why Joey lets you use him. You don’t like to think about it like that, but that’s what it is. Joey never says anything, either. Joey smiles at you and kisses you softly, and you wonder why he’s so nice. So loving, when all you want is comfort, escape from another fight with Justin.

You never talk about it. Ever. You don’t even stay until morning. You don’t think you can bare to see what it’s like. Or maybe you don’t think you can stand to see the look on Joey's face, whatever that might be.

You and Justin always make up in the morning. He smiles at you and tells you how sorry he is before kissing you, wanting to make up properly. You think that one day you wont be able to keep up with his stamina and be able to have sex twice within six hours.

You love sex with Justin. When you say he’s good at everything, you mean it. Justin is the best lover you’ve ever had. When you’re with Justin, you don’t believe that you could ever want anyone else. You know that you’ll never need anyone else.

So why do you keep going to Joey? It’s a question you ask yourself that you can never figure out. Maybe you were never meant to.

You wonder if Justin knows. You wonder if Justin will ever find out. You even wonder what Justin would do if he did. You’ve fought with him and made up so many times that you don’t think it will really ever be over between you two. The words “we’re through” have no meaning for either of you anymore. You wonder, though, if he knew about Joey, would he really leave you?

You don’t want to take the chance to find out.

When Justin finds you the next morning after your latest fight, he sits down in your lap and rests his head on your shoulder. He tells you he’s sorry and that he loves you, but it’s different. There’s nothing sexual about it. He holds you close, he wants to be held, he kisses you softly, but that’s all it is. He doesn’t want anything more.

This worries you. Maybe because it’s not normal. You fight. You have sex with Joey. You make up with Justin and then you have sex with him. It’s the way you do things. It’s what you’re used to. It’s your pattern. You want to ask him why he’s acting differently, why he’s taking your hand in his and interlocking your fingers together. You want to ask him why he’s stroking the back of your hand with his thumb. You want to ask him what’s different, but you don’t. You don’t have to, because he tells you.

He tells you that sometimes he’s afraid that one of your fights really will be the last of you. He tells you he doesn’t want that. He tells you he loves you and wants to be with you forever and all these things that drive the guilt deeper and deeper into your stomach. The only thing you can manage is a smile. You kiss him and you think about how beautiful he is. Suddenly you feel like you don’t deserve beauty like him.

When you find yourself at Joey‘s door again, you don‘t want sex. You tell him you want it to be over, that you can’t keep sleeping with him. You love Justin too much. Justin is too important to you. Justin means too much.

Justin means the world.

Joey nods and gives you a small smile, like he knew it was coming. You stand awkwardly for a moment before you thank Joey for being there for you all the time. You tell him you love him. You tell him that he’s the greatest friend in the world. You know it wont help, but there just isn’t anything else to say.

When you leave, you’re confident that it’s behind you. You love Justin. You love him so much. You wont do anything to jeopardize your relationship. Not anymore.

You fight.

And once again, you end up with Joey.

It’s endless, like a cycle you can’t escape. It’s become a second nature to you. It’s right, in your mind. Anything else just doesn’t seem normal anymore.

You love Justin. You know he’s the only person that you ever will love. You know that you two were meant to be. You believe that you’ll stay with Justin for the rest of your life.