"Do you think he knows we're here?"
Joey looked at Chris
with a slight shrug. "Honestly? I don't know."
"It barely
looks like him."
Joey nodded sadly. "I know."
"God,"
Chris said, voice slightly choked, "what are we going to tell him?
About Wade?"
"Lets just... not think about that right now,"
Joey told him, sitting down in a chair next to Justin's
bed.
"We have to tell him something, Joe. Wade is dead. He's
dead."
Joey stood up, looking at Chris angrily. "Stop
it. I know that he's dead. But we can't just tell Justin that until
he‘s ready to hear it. The fact that he lost Wade is going to kill
him."
Chris sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Did
you see their faces, Joe? Wade's mom, his dad... Chantal? I don't...
I don't want that to be us. It's selfish, but I don't. I want Justin
to live."
"That's up to him,"
Joey said quietly, looking down at Justin. "That's his choice."
When Justin woke up, he wasn't quite sure where he was. It took
him a moment to remember, but he did. He remembered the rain slicked
streets, the sounds of crunching metal and breaking glass, his car
rolling, the sounds of screaming. Who was screaming? Wade. It was
Wade.
"Wade..." Justin croaked out.
"Right here," a
voice off to Justin's left said. Looking over with half open eyes,
Justin smiled. "You're ok. I was so worried..."
Wade sat down
on the side of Justin's bed, taking Justin's hand. "You're the one
that had us worried, baby. We weren't sure if you were going to wake
up or not."
"What happened?" Justin asked, trying to sit
up.
"Just lie down. We crashed, remember? There was a sharp
turn and the roads were so wet... your car couldn't handle it. We
rolled down into a ditch."
"You don't even have a scratch,"
Justin said in wonderment. "But there was blood. I... I remember so
much blood, and screaming..."
"Shh... it's ok. You need to
rest, don't think about the crash."
Justin nodded, closing
his eyes. "God, I was the one... I was driving. I... I could've
killed you."
"Just sleep, love. You have nothing to worry
about."
Justin smiled, eyes closed. "Hold my
hand?"
"Of course." Wade took
Justin's hand in his own. Justin was too tired to ask why it was
cold.
Britney wiped at her eyes. "How... how did he die?"
"From
the coroner's report, Wade was killed instantly. When the car turned
over, he... his head..."
Joey put a hand on Chris' shoulder.
"He felt no pain, Brit."
Trying not to sob, Britney could
only manage a nod. "What about Justin?"
"Conscious the entire
time. He didn't fall under until he was on his way to the
hospital."
"So maybe he knows that..." Britney
started.
"We're not sure."
"For our sake, I hope he
does," Chris said. "I don't think I want to be there to see the look
on his face when..."
"Oh God,"
Britney whispered, putting her head into her hands. She started to
cry again and Joey and Chris wished there was something more they
could do.
"When can we go home?" Justin asked, looking at Wade, who was
staring out the window of Justin‘s hospital room.
"When you
get better."
"Well... when will that be?"
Wade looked
over at Justin with a slight smile. "Soon enough."
Justin
nodded, looking at the TV. After a moment, he looked back over at
the window. Wade was gone.
"Wade? Oh God... Wade, Wade..."
Justin felt sudden tears falling down his face as he sat up
frantically. "No, no... Wade, Wade..."
"Justin," Wade said,
stepping out of the bathroom and back into view. "I'm right
here."
Justin sobbed in relief, putting his head into his
hands. "I thought... I don't know, I just had this...
this..."
"Shh," Wade sat down, wrapping his arms around
Justin. "The accident’s left you spooked, that's all. I'm right
here."
"But you aren't," Justin said softly.
"What?"
Wade asked, pulling back slightly to look at Justin.
"What
what?" Justin looked back at Wade in confusion. "I didn't say
anything."
Giving Justin a curious smile, Wade kissed his
head gently. “I didn’t say you did.”
"J? Who are you talking to?” Chris asked,
walking into Justin’s hospital room, pulling up a chair.
Justin gave Chris a pointed look. “Who do
you think?”
“I… honestly don’t know, Justin. There’s no
one here.”
Justin sighed. “Whatever game you’re playing
Chris, stop it. I‘m tired.”
“Justin… I’m not trying to play games here.
There’s no one here.”
“Stop it!” Justin exclaimed, sitting up.
Wade put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Calm
down baby, you’re still recovering, remember?”
Justin nodded, smiling slightly at Wade.
“You’re right.”
Chris looked at Justin, the feeling of panic
creeping up on him. “J?”
“Wade,” Justin said tiredly, “tell him to
stop whatever stupid trick he’s playing.”
Chris eyes widened slightly. “Justin… Wade…
he’s…”
“Right here, right next to me. Holding my
hand. In plain sight. What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Chris, come on, this isn’t funny anymore.”
Chris blinked back sudden tears.
“Justin…”
“I’m really tired, Chris. Can you come back
later?”
“Justin… Wade… Wade can’t be here, because
he’s dead, J. He died in the accident.”
Justin looked over at Wade, appearing to not
even have heard Chris. “I’m a little thirsty, can you get me a drink
of water?”
Wade nodded with a smile, getting up.
“Justin,” Chris said urgently, “Justin, come
on. Listen to me. Justin, Wade is dead. He‘s dead, he died in the
car accident, they have his body here, we can take you there, but
Justin-”
“No!” Justin shouted, surprising Chris, who
jumped slightly. “No! He can’t be dead! He can’t! I wont believe it!
He’s fine, he’s fine… oh God, he’s fine… he’s fine…” Justin started
to sob, and Chris’ heart broke for his friend. He sat down on the
edge of the bed and put an arm around Justin.
“Hey… shhh…. It’s gonna be ok, we’ll help
you get through this, I promise. I swear.”
Justin suddenly stopped crying and looked up
at Chris, confused. “What are you doing?”
“I’m…”
“I don’t want to sound rude or ungrateful,
but I really am tired. And Wade should be back with my water any
minute.”
Chris pulled back from Justin slightly. “J…
stop this.”
“Stop what? I’m not doing anything. You’re
the one who keeps acting like a crazy man.”
“I’m… God, J. What’s happening to you?”
“I’m going to sleep now, Chris,” Justin told
him. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”
Looking sadly at his friend, Chris nodded.
“Ok, J. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He turned to leave, passing Wade on
his way out.
Wade watched Chris briefly before handing
Justin his water and pulling the covers up over him.
"You didn’t have to drive me home, Chris,”
Justin said, buckling his seatbelt as Chris pulled out of the
hospital parking lot.
“I know that it must be hard, being in a
car, but -- "
“No, it’s not that,” Justin told him. “It’s
just that Wade could’ve driven me home.”
Chris sighed heavily. He looked tired,
older, in a way. “Justin, we’ve been through this. Wade is -- ”
“It’s such a nice day,” Justin commented,
looking out the window.
Chris looked like he wanted to say something, maybe even finish
what he was trying to say, but he didn't. "Yeah," he said with
another sigh, "it is."
Justin looked into the rearview mirror
and smiled.
Wade smiled back.
"Chris thinks I'm crazy," Justin said,
curled up with Wade in their bed.
"You aren't crazy, baby."
Justin sighed slightly. "I don't know,
sometimes... sometimes I feel like it. Is that weird?"
Wade shook his head. "Not at all."
"And... I don't understand why he keeps acting like you aren‘t
even there. Why everyone keeps acting like you aren‘t
there. I wish I knew why they were doing that."
"J, don't worry. It doesn't matter to me.
All I see is you anyway."
Smiling softly, Justin placed a kiss on
Wade's shoulder. "I love you."
Wade smiled. “I love you too. We should
probably get some sleep, we have to get up tomorrow.”
“What’s tomorrow?” Justin asked with a
yawn.
“A funeral.”
“Oh that’s too bad. Who died?”
Wade just smiled softly and kissed Justin’s
temple. “Go to sleep. Don’t worry about that.”
Justin’s breathing was soft and even, and
Wade watched him as he slept.
“Man… everyone we know is here. Who died
again?” Justin asked Wade softly as they made their way through the
cemetery to the burial site.
Wade smiled and didn‘t answer. Instead, he
looked around at all the people, an expression on his face Justin
couldn‘t quite read.
“Hey, it’s your Mom. Go say hello,” Wade
told him after a moment, nudging him softly.
“Hi Mom,” Justin said as he approached her.
She turned to him, face tear stained, mascara smeared. She looked at
him sadly and pulled him into a hug.
“Oh Justin,” she cried. “Oh Justin.”
Justin returned the hug, laughing slightly.
“Mom, I’m right here. I’m ok. I really am, I promise.”
Lynn didn’t answer, she just hugged him
tighter and then took his hand as the services started. Justin still
didn’t know whose funeral he was attending.
Or why everyone kept looking at him like he
was supposed to cry.
Justin found Wade after the service,
standing with his family. Wade had a hand on his mother’s shoulder
as she sobbed into her hands. He looked sad as he watched her and
the rest of his family as they grieved.
Walking quietly over, Justin gave Wade a
small smile. “Hey.”
Joy looked up. “Oh. Hello Justin.” She wiped
at her eyes and tried to smile at him.
“Hello,” Justin replied, looking at Wade.
“What’s going on?”
Joy laughed bitterly. “Please don’t try and
make small talk, Justin. We both know what‘s going on. So do us both
a favor and save it.”
Justin looked surprised. “I… I’m sorry, Joy.
I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“Maybe… maybe you should go,” Joy told him,
rubbing her temples.
Justin nodded. He was getting tired anyway.
“Ok. Wade, are you coming?”
Joy went still, as if frozen. “What?” she
asked, her voice soft and low.
Justin looked at Joy in confusion. “You said
I should go, so I was just asking Wade if he was coming with
me.”
“Wade is dead, Justin,” Joy said, face
pained.
“Wade is… he’s right here, Joy.”
Joy wiped at her eyes. “Justin, go home. Get
some sleep.”
“Joy… he’s right here. Wade is right here. God, not you too.”
“Justin, stop it.”
“He’s standing right next to me! Don’t you
see him?”
“Stop it, Justin,” Joy said, more
forcefully.
“God, why is everyone doing this? Wade is right here. He’s right-” Justin didn’t
finish the sentence. The sound of Joy slapping him across the face
bounced off the walls of the small room, echoing in the sudden
silence.
Justin brought a hand up to his face,
stunned. After a moment, he looked at Wade. Waited for Wade to say
something. Anything. Wade, however, did nothing.
Wade’s father pulled Joy off to the side,
away from Justin. “What was that?” he asked quietly.
“Didn’t you hear him? He was… he was acting
like Wade is still here, when he’s…” Joy broke off with a choked
cry.
Dennis pulled her into his arms. “Think
about how hard this is for you. Then imagine how hard this must be
for him. We just… need to be patient.”
“He was my son,”
Joy sobbed, clinging to Dennis.
“I know,” Dennis told her, eyes watering.
“He was mine too.”
Justin made his way through the crowd of
people, not paying attention to anything anyone said to him. It
didn’t matter anyway. He just wanted to go home.
Wade was walking a few meters behind Justin
and he hadn’t said one word. Justin was starting to get pissed
off.
“Take me home,” he said, turning to face
Wade.
JC, who was standing a few feet away, turned
to Justin. “Ok, J. I can take you home.”
Justin looked like he was about to say
something, but Wade cut him off. “Let JC take you home.”
Giving Wade a cold look, Justin nodded.
“Fine.”
The ride back to their house was spent
mostly in silence. Justin was angry, JC looked nervous, like he
didn’t know what to say, and Wade… well, Justin couldn’t tell how
Wade was feeling.
“Thank you,” Justin said as JC pulled up to
his house.
“Did you… do you want me to stay with you? I
can do that, if you need me to,” JC told him.
“No thanks, C. I’ll be fine,” Justin said,
getting out of the car.
“Are you sure?” JC asked.
Justin nodded. “Yeah. Thanks again for the
ride.”
When Justin and Wade were inside the house,
Wade still hadn’t said anything. Justin decided if that’s the way
Wade wanted to be, fine. He could be that way.
“You’re mad at me.”
Justin looked at Wade, a little surprised, but mostly just upset.
“Well Jesus, Wade, your mom hit me and you didn’t do anything. You
didn’t even ask if I was ok. And then you ignore me all night. You
think I‘m going to be happy?”
“You’re mad at me,” Wade said again.
“Yes, I'm mad! You just stood there! You said nothing. You didn’t
even defend me.” Justin paused for a moment, fighting back sudden
tears. “And you… you left me. You left me here all by myself when
you knew I needed you. You knew and you left anyway. You… you
promised you’d never leave. And you did. So yes, Wade” Justin picked
up a small vase, full of flowers, that had been sitting on a small
table in the hallway. “I’m mad at you!” He threw the
vase as hard as he could with an angry cry.
Wade didn’t even flinch as it shattered
against the wall.
Justin stood for a moment, looking at the
broken vase, before turning back to look at Wade. “What… happened?
How did that break?”
“Table must be unsteady,” Wade told him.
“Come on, I'll fix you some dinner.”
He felt the pounding of raindrops hitting
him. He thought that was funny, because he was in his car. How could
he feel the rain? Then everything came at him at once in a great
rush and he remembered.
They’d crashed.
The roads had been so wet. He hadn’t seen
the sign alerting him of the sharp turn ahead. He wasn’t even sure
there had been one. By the time he’d seen the curve, it was too
late. Trying in vein to turn nonetheless, the car had rolled off the
side of the road.
He didn’t know where they were now.
“Wade,” he said softly, reaching out with
his hand to try and feel for him. He didn’t think he could move, he
felt so twisted, but he had to know that Wade was ok.
“Wade,” he tried again, still feeling out,
trying to find him. Finally, his hand connected with soft skin.
Soft, cold skin.
“You’re freezing,” he whispered. “Are you
ok?”
He got no response. “Wade… are you ok? Wade,
answer me, please.”
The only sound he could hear was the beating
of the rain. Closing his eyes, he braced himself against the gnarled
metal of the car door and turned his body, crying out in pain.
Fighting against dark spots dancing in front of his eyes, he opened
them, and smiled in relief as he saw Wade.
His eyes were open, but Wade was very still.
Almost stiff. “Wade, why aren’t you answering me? Can you not
talk?”
Wade didn’t blink. How could he not blink?
He was getting water in his eyes from the rain. There was… there was
blood everywhere.
“Your head, Wade… I can’t… I need to get to
your head, to stop the bleeding.”
He gripped Wade’s hand tightly. It seemed to
have gotten even colder. “Wade, answer me. Please.”
There was still no response and that’s when
he knew.
“No… no. Wade… answer me, please. Wade,
answer me. Answer me, damn it!” His tears mixed with the drops of
rain trailing down his cheeks.
“Please,” he pleaded softly. Wade’s eyes
stayed open, unblinking. The rain beating down was washing the blood
from his still, stiff body. His hand grew colder.
With a sob, he crawled over the wreckage,
ignoring the protests his body made. It didn’t matter. Nothing
mattered anymore.
Curling himself up against Wade as best he
could, he held to him. Clutched him so tightly it made his knuckles
turn white.
“Take me with you,” he whispered. “Don’t
leave me here. Don’t leave me all alone. Please… come back. Don‘t
leave me here.”
He couldn’t stop his tears from falling, but
he didn’t feel them. He didn’t feel anything. Not even the rain. He
heard the sound of sirens off in the distance, but it didn’t matter.
They couldn’t help him.
Nothing could.
“Please,” he begged, voice soft, timid,
lost.
Scared.
"I'm going to close my eyes," he whispered
softly. "And when I open them, you'll be fine. And I'll know that
this was all a dream."
He clung to Wade as the
sirens got louder and Wade’s body was colder than the rain.
Wade walked into their bedroom one day and
looked at Justin. “I have to go.”
Justin tilted his head slightly, looking at
Wade curiously. “Where are you going? How long will you be
gone?”
Wade walked over to Justin and sat down on
the bed, gently stroking Justin’s cheek. “You know.”
Justin leaned into Wade’s touch, closing his
eyes. “Please,” he said softly. “Take me with you.”
Wade smiled slightly. “I would never leave
you behind.”
Justin smiled and kissed Wade softly. Wade
returned the kiss, holding Justin gently. “I was thinking we could
go to our park downtown. And sit under the big oak tree like we used
to do and just hold each other. Or maybe we could lie in the grass
and make love while the wind blows softly around us.”
“It doesn’t matter what we do. It just
matters that we’re together.”
Wade kissed Justin again and took his hand.
“Once we leave… will you look back?”
Smiling softly, Justin shook his head.
“No.”
He had no reason to.
They stood at the crosswalk across from the
park and Justin could see the top of the oak tree over the gray
stone wall that lined the park.
“Wait for the red hand before we cross,"
Wade told him.
"Funny,” Justin said. “I seem to remember it
being the other way around.”
Wade simply smiled, taking Justin’s hand. As
the crosswalk signal turned from the green man walking to the red
hand, Justin and Wade made their way across the road.
Once they were on other side, Justin heard a
slight commotion behind them and turned to see what it was. There
seemed to have been some kind of accident. Cars were stopped and
people were getting out, running to where a small circle was
forming.
“I wonder what happened,” Justin mused.
“Does it really matter?” Wade asked, pulling
Justin closer to him.
Justin smiled. “No, I guess it doesn’t.”
They made their way into the park, hand in
hand.