Why 
by Annie


People still ask me why.

What am I supposed to say? We just didn’t feel like we were doing it, any of it, for ourselves? We felt like everyone wanted something and we had nothing left to give? That I was gay and no one was really comfortable with that, and it changed everything?

Why. Sometimes I even ask myself. We lasted almost ten years, though. We broke up in 2003. That was five years ago. And I always thought we’d out last the Backstreet Boys. They released their newest album about two months ago. Kevin’s hair is getting a little visible gray in it, despite all the hair dye.

I haven’t seen anyone from that life since the band fell apart. I know they all see each other constantly, which is good for them. I’m better off by myself anyway. And after a year or so, they stopped trying to find me. They moved on together and I moved on alone, which is how I think it should be.

After they knew, I just... I didn’t feel like I was apart of them anymore, not like I did before. It was just so hard, I couldn’t go on loving him like I did... I just couldn't.

So why am I on a plane to Orlando to see people I’ve avoided for five years? Why don’t I just call Johnny up and talk to him? Yeah, that’d work out good. "Hey Johnny, it’s Lance, I’m sorry you’re dying of cancer, but thank you for all you did for me and the other guys."

Yeah, I couldn’t do that, no matter how much I didn’t want to go through the awkwardness of seeing the guys again. Of acting like best friends even though it seems like a lifetime has gone by. And I don’t want to realize how much I’ve missed out by seeing them carry on the bond we all once shared. The one I cut myself out of.

I wonder if any of them look any different. I bet Chris’ hair has started to lose color. God, he’s almost 39 now. And JC, he’d be what? Just barely 32? That makes Joey 31. And Justin would be 28.

Justin...

God, I wonder if he still has that baby face, that innocent charm, that golden smile? I wonder if he’s just as beautiful as he was the last time I saw him?

And that was five years ago.

It seems like my plane landed too soon, and before I know it I’m in a taxi on my way to Orlando General Hospital. I know they’ll all be there. I just hope I can handle it.

I walk through the sliding doors of the main lobby and ask the receptionist which floor Johnny Wright is on. She tells me he’s on the third, ICU. He’s gotten that bad, huh?

I enter the elevator and watch the light move from one number to the next, my emotions churning in every direction. The elevator dings and the doors open, and my eyes can see all around the waiting room. I see them, I see them all. God, they’ve changed.

Joey grew his hair out long. He looks like Brad Pitt did before he became famous, back when he did that guest stint on Growing Pains. Chris looked the same, just older, tired, and I could tell some of the spark had gone out of him. JC had dyed his hair a dirty blonde, and I could see that he had a tattoo on the lower part of his right arm. Guess he got over his fear of needles. And Justin... he looked like he hadn’t changed at all. His hair was still a mess of curls, his eyes were still that piercing blue color, his face chiseled out just as it was before...

"Oh my God. Lance?" I looked at Joey as he got out of his chair and hurried over to me, crushing me into a tight hug. "It’s so good to see you," he said, and I closed my eyes as tight as I could because I didn’t want to start crying.

Joey pulled away and I saw that Chris was right behind him. "Look at you," he said with a laugh, before pulling me to him. JC was next, and I was glad to see that he wasn’t so skinny anymore. He had filled out, gotten some muscle and gained some weight.

After JC and I pulled away from each other, I came face to face with Justin. For the first time in five years. I could see his that his eyes were watery before we embraced, and he was holding on so tight that I thought we’d never be able to pull away.

We did, however, and the room was then filled with the awkwardness that I knew was coming, the "What do I do now?"

"You pierced your eyebrow," Justin said, nodding to the right side of my face.

"Yeah, well, I was going through a rebellious streak," I said with a small grin.

"And your hair, it’s so dark. You let it grow out to its natural color," Joey said, ruffling it with his hand.

I guess I had changed too.

"So, how have you been man?" JC asked.

"Good," I told him, not really sure if I believed it or not.

"We were sorry to hear about FreeLance," Chris said. FreeLance... another one of my many dreams that didn’t turn out right in the end. Someone, they never found out who, decided it would be funny to bomb the building, and the whole thing was destroyed. And the insurance company didn’t think it was their obligation to pay the money for the incident. So we sued them, and after a lot of hours in the courtroom, we came to an agreement, and the insurance company paid us half of the profits.

However, that was a year or so after the group had ended and my heart wasn’t really in the fight. Not like it was when we were fighting against Lou. Maybe it was just because I had people behind me, people who I knew really cared about me. Not just after money or fifteen minutes of fame. So I divided the money up and gave it to all the musicians who were with my company at the time, hoping they could still continue to do what they loved with someone else.

"Thanks," I replied. "I’m just glad that Meredith and some of the others that I worked with had the chance to become someone."

The guys nodded and it was silence again. "Y’all look so different," I said with a small chuckle, still trying to get used to these new versions of them. Then again, I’m sure they were doing the same with me.

"Y’all... now that’s a word I haven’t heard in a while," Joey said softly, and then it was like the whole five years came crashing down on us, and I felt like we were all total strangers. I had missed so much. Like JC getting a tattoo, had he freaked out right before? And how many jokes about Chris’ gray hairs had I missed? How many of Joey’s remarks? Justin’s golden smiles?

I cleared my throat. "How’s Johnny?"

"Not so good, I think it’s getting close," Joey said. "He’s in room 26, if you want to go see him."

"Does anyone want to come with me?"

"Nah, Johnny’s seen enough of us to drive anyone crazy. You can go, we’ll still be out here," Chris commented, and I nodded, going through the swinging double doors, heading towards room 26, my head swimming. Had that just really happened? It all seemed so surreal.

I knocked quietly on the door, and I heard the deep, familiar voice of Johnny, the sound clear and sharp in my memory, telling me to come in.

I opened the door slowly, and wasn’t surprised to hear the sound of a football game blaring from the television. Johnny always loved football.

"My God... Lance?" Johnny asked, and his face broke out into a smile.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked, feeling a little awkward as I went to the side of his bed, and he sat up to hug me.

"Well, you know, for a dying guy, I’m pretty cool." I chuckled lightly. Johnny always was the kind of person to turn on the humor when a situation was bad.

"I’m sorry I haven’t been more in touch," I told him.

"I don’t think I’m the person you should be apologizing to."

I looked down at the ground, knowing that he was talking about my once best friends still out in the waiting room.

"They seem to be doing just fine."

"It hasn’t been the same without you around," Johnny told me.

"You make it sound like the group never ended."

"To me? It didn’t. Sure, you guys weren’t under my charge anymore, you didn’t sing together anymore, but everyone still raids the Compound, Chris hooks up his Playstation Three and he and Joey duke it out on the video games, while JC and Justin play around in the studio."

"Sounds like old times," I said with a faint smile, living in memories of the past. "It’s not. It hasn’t been, not for five years. Why, Lance? Just tell me why."

"You know why," I whispered, finding it ironic to hear another why, coming from the person who knows the answer best.

"What? Because you had the balls to admit to everyone that you were gay? Because Joey and Chris didn’t say anything? Because JC asked questions? Because Justin walked away?"

"You know what happened," I told him, my throat tightening, "you were there. You saw how it changed us."

"No, I saw how it changed you. You let yourself believe that everyone hated you, that you were going to break up the group because you liked men instead of women."

"Well," I said, my voice holding a tone of bitterness, "Look what happened."

"Lance there were other reasons that the group ended, and you know it."

"Name one," I told him, wishing we weren’t spending his last moments arguing about the most painful thing I’d ever had to go through.

"You guys weren’t in it for yourselves anymore, the media put so much pressure on you that you did things to please, not because you wanted to. Chris wanted to marry Dani, Joey wanted to be able to sleep around with hookers and players if he wanted to, and Justin was tired of putting up the charade of being in love with Britney-"

"He loved her, Johnny," I told him, knowing because the way he looked at her, with secret smiles and warm glances, was the way I used to look at him.

"Have you seen the other guys?" Johnny asked, abruptly changing the subject. I nodded. "They look great. Different, but great."

"Chris and Dani got married a few years ago, did you know that? Did you even get your invitation?"

I looked down at the ground and nodded. "They sent the invitation to my parent’s house. I sent a gift." Yeah, like that sounds better than actually being there.

"Did you know Joey did a movie with Julia Roberts?"

"I saw it in the theater."

"You were invited to the premiere, did you know that?"

I nodded again, Johnny’s gaze making me feel worse about myself with each passing second. I had valid reasons for leaving them out of my life, I did...

"Did you get the tickets to JC’s solo concerts? Let me guess, you bought the CD, probably the live version?"

Before I could respond, a nurse poked her head into the room. "Visiting hours are up," she said before leaving again.

We were both silent for a moment before I turned to Johnny to tell him good-bye.

"You’re going to leave again, aren’t you? You aren’t even going to say good-bye to them."

I thought after five years Johnny’s ability to read me like a book would’ve gone away. "There’s no place for me in their lives anymore," I whispered.

I knew Johnny didn’t agree with me, but he didn’t say anything. "Good-bye Johnny," I said, giving him a smile and a squeeze on the hand before turning for the door.

"Are you going to come to my funeral or are you just going to send expensive flowers?"

I stopped at the door, my back still turned to Johnny, tears spilling from my eyes. However, I only paused for a moment before leaving the room, walking down the hallway to the back exit of the hospital, leaving behind the only world, and the only person, I had ever loved.

 

I looked out the window down at the city of Orlando as the plane rose higher and higher off the ground. I looked at the buildings, seeing if I could make out the hospital before I got too high, searching in vein for one last look. One last memory.

Chris, I’m sorry I never came to your wedding. I’m sorry I never got to tease you about your hair.

Joey, I’m sorry that we never got to go clubbing again. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the premiere of that Julia Roberts movie you were in.

JC, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you got your tattoo. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to convince you to get a piercing with me. I’m sorry I never made it to your solo concerts.

Justin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be mine.

 

People still ask me why.

The only difference is that now I ask myself.